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THINK OF LOVE AS SOMETHING NEW
This entry was posted on 3/30/2011 8:59 AM and is filed under uncategorized.
I was doing all right, really, until the bride and groom took the floor for their dance.
Usually, the bride selects the song that will play for that dance, and it is usually something well-worn and sentimental and instantly recognizable. And in fact, I knew that the bride had been leaning toward Ella Fitzgerald's version of "At Last," which has recently been a wedding favorite since President Obama and his lovely wife Michelle danced to it at all five inaugural balls. (Or eight, or however many there were.)
But I knew that, this time, it was the groom--my son--who had made the selection. He had played it for me one night in his apartment, a look of sweet tenderness on his face as he stared at the floor. I cried then, and this time, as soon as I heard the distinctive guitar chords announcing the melody, the tears started streaming again.
Most everyone is familiar with the Beatles song, "In My Life." But this was not the Beatles. The version Dustin had selected was one by iconic country singer, Johnny Cash. He had recorded it not long before he died, and his voice was weak now--even off-key once or twice.
But Cash had sung that song at the funeral of his cherished wife, June Carter.
Most people are familiar with that love story through the Academy Award-winning movie starring Reese Witherspoon in her Oscar-winning turn as June Carter, and Oscar-nominated Juaquin Phoenix as Johnny Cash. But I'm old enough to remember the actual love story as it played out across the tabloids. My daddy was a devoted Johnny Cash fan and had all his albums up until his sudden death at the age of 45. He had taken my mother and me to a Johnny Cash concert when Mother Maybelle and the Carter Sisters sang back-up and they were not yet married.
Years later, I'd read Cash's autobiography, "Man in Black." I knew the power of that love story, the timelessness and beauty of it.
The knowledge that Cash had sung that song in his wavering voice at her funeral after all their years together was almost too much to bear. For my son to have chosen this as his song for his bride held so many layers of meaning that no one could possibly understand its significance better than Dustin and Janna, and those closest to him.
Janna said that, when she heard the song, "It was like something Dustin would just say to me." And it is a testament to her love for him that she agreed to dance to that song rather than one of her own choosing.
So I heard the guitar chords at the wedding reception and watched my son lead his heartbreakingly lovely bride onto the dance floor, and I burst into tears. The lyrics, by Paul McCartney and John Lennon, are beautiful throughout, but these are particularly poignant:
"There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have changed and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I can still recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all."
By the time Dustin was 19, he had buried his two closest friends. He somehow managed to rally from that double-shock and went on to attend Texas A&M University, where he lived life to the fullest, taking part in the Corps of Cadets, Parson's Mounted Cavalry, and the elite Cannon Crew. Even then, though, his life was not free of tragedy; his sophomore year, just a few minutes after his Corps outfit had worked the huge bonfire stack, bonfire collapsed, killing a dozen bright and happy classmates. Dustin and his unit helped move logs afterward. Then, after graduation, he enlisted in the Marine Corps, where he fought in the Battle of Fallujah in November '04 and redeployed in January of '06 to the Anbar province. In both places and times, not all of his friends made it back.
So, this was Dustin's way of honoring all his friends--some living, and some dead--on his wedding day. It was his way of saying, "I know you are here in spirit, and you will always be in my heart."
So this wasn't just a trite, "whatever," type of choice. The lyrics MEANT something to him:
"But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more."
Anyone who knows my son knows that he feels a fierce loyalty to all those he loves, from his parents and sister to his friends. With this song, he was saying that, from that point forward, Janna would always come first with him--and that is how it should be.
Watching this love story unfold has been a joy and a privilege. I remember the first day Dustin ever laid eyes on Janna, nine years ago now, when he called home to say, "I have just met the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life."
He wasn't just saying that, either. A former beauty queen who once represented her home town in the Miss Texas pageant, she has long silky blond hair, sparkling green eyes, and a pretty pink blush--a real Dream Girl. But her gentle and compassionate soul is where the true beauty lies.
It was the six-year age difference that kept them apart in the beginning. He was completing his college career and she was just beginning hers; he was planning to go to war and she was planning to enjoy college life. The timing wasn't right for either of them. It would be a couple of years before they reconnected, and they've been together ever since.
Janna continued with her studies while she waited for my son with almost superhuman patience through two harrowing and nerve-shredding wartime deployments. She waited, in fact, for three years while he completed his Marine Corps commitment. Since he finally came home to Texas almost four years ago they've been virtually inseparable, but she still had to wait a couple more years before he was ready to propose. During those years, both her sisters got married and she was bridesmaid in countless weddings--I'm sure there must have been times when she was tempted to smother him in his sleep--but she gave him time to make the difficult transition from military to civilian life; time to settle in; time to leave the war behind.
But the thing is, even Janna's wedding plans reflected her love for Dustin.
Let's face it: To most grooms, weddings are pretty much an ordeal. So many brides cling to a Cinderella fantasy and want to bring that fantasy to life. Depending upon their family income, in many cases, once the bride's mother gets ahold of it, the whole thing turns into a Social Event, designed more, it seems to me, to impress business colleagues than to celebrate a marriage.
Things can spiral out of control pretty fast, and before the poor guy knows it, he's getting measured for a tux and quarreling almost daily with the bride whose nerves, by that point, are pretty shot. By the time the Big Day arrives, he just wants to get it over with.
My son's new wife is a practical, sensible young lady who loves a bargain, and neither of our families has a great deal of money to throw around, but when she and her mom went scouting locations, they found one that was not only something the bride could look forward to, but also a location that would ensure that the groom, too, would have the time of his life.
In other words, she planned a wedding that was as much for the groom as it was for her.
Although not all my readers live in Texas, I'm going to give the 7-F Lodge in College Station a plug, because honestly, we could not have enjoyed a more perfect setting for the marriage of our kids. Many people planning weddings might find it too small--we had to limit the guest list to 120 people, which would rule out families planning large events. But for us, it was, as Baby Bear said, juuust riiiight. We could invite extended family but not TOO extended, close friends but not ALL friends. You could leave business colleagues off the list and avoid offending them by simply telling them the size of the venue. They all understood.
What this meant was that at the ceremony and reception, every face in the crowd was loved.
To get there, you take winding roads through the woods on the outskirts of town to a secluded area and private road. There, nestled among the trees, is the most beautiful, perfect little chapel you've ever seen, with one whole wall of windows looking out through the trees. Outdoor benches line the flagstone pathway up to the chapel--Dustin and Janna exchanged vows on the stone steps with the chapel doors wide open--you could see all the tree-filled windows lined with candles behind. The benches and guests faced west, and as the ceremony began, the sun set behind the trees, gilding everything with gold.
Afterward, we all trooped to the lodge for authentic chuckwagon barbeque, beer, and lots of dancing. The large wedding party--seven bridesmaids and groomsmen--had been booked by the bride and groom into the wonderful little cabins on the lodge property, which you get to by taking little trails through the woods. Each cabin was decorated in country chic--cast-iron claw-footed bathtubs, thick patchwork quilts, wrought-iron bedsteads, ceramic pitchers, and candles.
The most popular cabin with the young people was the one that had a small hardwood dance floor and a real jukebox with vinyl records!
The cabin that got the biggest laugh was the one completely decked out in Aggie memorabilia--not that the cabin was funny (WE all loved it)--but that my son booked his best man, Josh, and his longtime girlfriend and bridesmaid, Andrea, in that particular cabin, knowing full well that Josh was a die-hard University of Texas Longhorns fan!
(He says he was getting sweet revenge for all the times Josh talked trash after the Longhorns won another national championship.)
Dustin grew up in the country, and from the first moment he laid eyes on the property, he loved it. He knew he was going to be reasonably relaxed there, for a man on his wedding day, and that all his friends from high school, Texas A&M, and the Marines would feel comfortable there and would have a great time.
And that is exactly what happened.
The whole thing was remarkably cost-effective. The kids opted out of a formal rehearsal dinner--which is normally the financial responsibility of the groom's family, so we sprang for the catering at the wedding as our contribution. Janna's Wondermom--as I call her--Anna, used to be a florist. Having married two other daughters off at a reasonable expense, she took over the role of both florist and wedding planner. All of the floral arrangements, from the centerpieces to the bridal and bridesmaid bouquets, to the corsages and boutonnieres, were made by Anna herself. She also stitched together tablecloths and other table settings, and wove together garlands of silk flowers and white netting that decked out the chapel as well as the lodge.
The bridesmaids wore black cocktail dresses that they either already had at home or knew they would definitely wear again. The groomsmen wore black suits, and Dustin's gift to them was narrow black "Reservoir Dog" ties (from the iconic Quentin Tarantino movie that just about all young men have seen and admired). The accent color was aqua, which Anna wove into the boutonnieres and flower arrangements.
Janna's gown was a stunning lace empire-waisted dress seeded with tiny beads that reflected sunlight and candlelight and made her sparkle. She's very proud of the fact that she bought it after it had already been drastically reduced in price TWICE, getting it in the end for a song.
Janna's mom and I wore black, as well. My blouse was black velvet with small beading that reflected light, and chiffon sleeves. Because I stopped wearing dresses about a century ago, I searched until I found black dress slacks that had an outer layer of black chiffon, which made it look like a floor-length skirt until I started walking. Anna wore a beautiful black-sequined jacket and long black skirt. When she came up to me and pinned on my corsage, I could not look into her eyes--I DARE not--because I knew I'd bawl.
After Kent and I swung through Dallas to collect our daughter, who had just flown in, and visit his 91-year dad who'd recently broken a hip, we headed down to College Station. That night we took out the bride and groom and every other young person who was in reach to a popular steakhouse. (His Marine buddy had flown in from Michigan; we told him he could not leave until he'd had a real Texas steak.)
That evening was crazy fun. I can't imagine a formal rehearsal dinner spawning half as much laughter.
The next morning, Kent and I met Dustin at the lodge where Wondermom had arrived from Houston with a small U-Haul trailer full of the wedding decorations she'd labored over for six months or so. I took pictures of the entire process, though my cyber-idiocy prevents me from figuring out how to post photographs on this blog. (I tried, anyway.)
She set up one table for us and turned us loose while she worked on other things. By about two or three that afternoon, that whole place was transformed into a black-and-aqua wonderland. Janna had said she didn't want huge centerpiece flower arrangements that blocked people's ability to visit across a table. So Janna's mom had cut small tree branches for every table, painted them white, planted them in black pots decorated with the same trim as the wedding invitations, and hung hundreds of tiny little crystal droplets, both clear and aqua-colored, tied with tiny aqua satin bows, on the tree limbs.
(NOW do you see why I call her "Wondermom"?)
The wedding was at 6:30, but we were back by five. Janna had had her hair and make-up done by a Houston artist who works half the year on celebrities in Hollywood and half the year in Houston. She'd worked with Janna in several of the weddings where she'd been a bridesmaid, and gave her a special deal. Janna was tromping around with the bridesmaids, giggling, while Dustin was being sequestered by his buddies in one of the cabins.
Her hair was swept up into beautiful cascading curls, and Wondermom Anna had taken a comb and entwined it with white lace, ribbons, and tiny flowers. The comb was secured in Janna's hair. Nestled in the center of the comb was my grandmother's cameo.
When my grandmother got married more than 90 years ago, my granddaddy had given her a beautiful, hand-carved ivory cameo with seed pearls, about the size of a nickle. She wore that cameo in her wedding. Almost 37 years ago, I wore it in my wedding, and when my sister married her sons' dad, she wore Grandmother's cameo as well.
I had offered it to Janna as her, "something borrowed, something old," but had hastened to add that if it did not go with her dress or if she did not like it, she didn't have to feel under pressure to display it. "You can pin it underneath your skirt," I had told her, "and then Grandmother would at least be here in spirit."
But she didn't pin it under her skirt. She and her lovely mother honored my grandmother's memory by placing it in the most beautiful spot imaginable.
Seeing it nestled in her golden hair took my breath away.
Guests started arriving. Janna vanished and reappeared a little while later in her wedding gown, the skirt, bustle, and train hiked up in her two small fists, striding through the grass in her sneakers. She posed for photographs for the best man's dad--who had offered to do the photography for free as his gift to the young couple.
I never saw a calmer,
happier bride. Her gown sparkled, her face shone, and she truly was the
most beautiful bride I'd ever seen.
My daughter, Jessica, was absolutely stunning in her black halter dress. We all took snapshots of the bride and bridesmaids, the table settings, the guests...Kent and I managed to track Dustin down and give him a hug...and then it was time to take our places.
Back inside the lodge, Janna slipped on her strappy shoes; my daughter gave me a bearhug and got in line, and I slipped my arm through my 6'4" husband's.
After we had all taken our seats and the bridesmaids and groomsmen were in place, Bach's "Jesus, Joy of Man's Desiring," played.
She stepped out of the lodge on her daddy's arm, golden in the setting sun, and as soon as she saw Dustin, she held out her arms and did a cute, funny little curtsy with a saucy grin, as if to say, "So what'd'ya think about THIS?"
I swung back to catch a glimpse of Dustin, and, grinning cheek to cheek, he gave a little shake to his head as if to say, "That's my girl all right. She's one of a kind."
(Later, the bridesmaids all testified that he'd cried, "WOW!" as soon as he saw her, to which he replied, "I didn't realize I said that out loud.")
Standing there, I was thinking, "This bride is flirting with her groom before she even gets to the end of the aisle. How cool is THAT?"
They gathered on the flagstone step of the chapel beneath the lovely garland hand-fashioned and hung by Anna.
The preacher had some really nice words to say, but what stuck in mine, my husband's and Dustin's mind was when he pointed out that the origins of the name, "Janna," meant, "gracious gift of God." The name, "Dustin," (which I had known when selecting his name) meant, "valiant warrior."
Truer words were never spoken.
With that, the preacher looked down at Janna and said, "This man will protect you and shelter you for the rest of your life."
Everyone there knew the truth of that.
During the vows, when Janna said the words, "till death do us part," her voice broke for the first time.
Their kiss was very romantic--not perfunctory at all--and when they walked past us, we've got a photo of Dustin grinning at us, his father said, "like he just won the prize."
Almost everyone invited came to the wedding--which is practically unheard of, and the one area where the kids had splurged was to hire a professional D.J. to play a wide variety of music, from Classic Rock to Country and Western to Hip-Hop.
The bride had said she did not want any formal toasts, but I'd gotten permission from her to take the mike before the music cranked up and publicly thank her incredible mom, Anna, for all the work she had done to transform a Western lodge into a fairy wonderland for her daughter. I made sure she got a round of applause, because although Anna's talents are legendary in her own family, I didn't want MY family to assume that professional high-paid elves had done all this work. I wanted her to get the credit she deserved.
I also told the story of my grandmother's cameo, and I spoke a bit about her, about what a tough old broad she was, how she loved to read trashy detective mysteries, how she drank a shot of whiskey every night before she went to bed, how my mother had been terrified of her but that I had adored her, and she had loved me. How, even 30 years after her death, I still miss her.
I thanked Anna for honoring Grandmother's memory with the beautiful comb, and as I spoke, Janna joined me up front, turned around, and dipped and swayed so that the crowd could see the cameo.
And then they played the song for the bride and groom to take the floor, and I lost all my careful composure. She has a cousin who is a ballroom dance instructor, and he'd given Dustin a lesson or two. He was no contest contestant, by any means, but he steered her around the dance floor masterfully without stepping on her gown.
For the Mother-Son song, Dustin had chosen B.J. Thomas's "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head," written by Burt Bacharach. It was first made famous many years ago in the movie, "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," with Robert Redford and Paul Newman. When the kids were little, I would sing it to them every night:
"Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'
"So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'
"But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me
Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me"
Dustin reminded me that I used to also sing it to them if they were having a rough day or if they were worried about something at school.
Most Mother-Son songs are very sentimental, all about how wonderful mama is, but Dustin's quixotic choice of THIS song was very meaningful to me.
And to tell you the truth, I didn't even hear the music once we moved out onto the dance floor. We laughed and talked through the whole thing. One of my favorite photographs is a snapshot my husband took of me laughing up at Dustin during our dance. You'd be hard-pressed to find a photo of me looking happier than that.
At one point, he blurted, "You know Janna wants kids."
Of course I knew they'd discussed it fully, and this was his way of saying that he's getting ready to take that next leap, once they're settled. I said, "You'll be a wonderful dad, and Janna will be an amazing mom."
After that, the whole night was magical. The people we loved most in the world--except for few who were unable to come--were there. I laughed with his Aggie buddies, who I hadn't seen since he graduated in '03; I laughed with his high school friends, who'd gotten into such mischief with him; and I laughed with his Marine buddy, who told more funny stories about their days together. I laughed with Janna's family and I laughed with her friends.
When the D.J. played Bob Segar's "Old-Time Rock and Roll," Jessica pulled me out onto the dance floor and we swing-danced to that great song.
Later, when they played Chuck Berry's "The Twist," we twisted with the old Aggies. I even line-danced with the bride and her friends.
Yes, I knew I would be in some pretty serious pain the following day, but you only get one chance to dance at your son's wedding, and I didn't want to miss it.
The only down note on the evening was that the D.J. had mixed up Janna's play list. Kent and I were supposed to dance to the Dixie Chick's "Cowboy, Take Me Away," but he never played the song and in all the hubbub and excitement, we forgot to request it. Only later, looking back, did we all regret it.
Still, the most fun was hanging out with the young people and laughing with them.
The high point of the evening was when Janna surprised Dustin by requesting that one of our old Aggie buddies, David Hoelscher, who used to be an Aggie Yell Leader back in the day--lead a real Aggie Yell Practice at her reception!
IT WAS GREAT! All the Aggies, young and old, streamed up to the front with wives and girlfriends or husbands and boyfriends in tow. My nephew came up with his adorable three-year-old, Isabella, in his arms. The bride stood next to the groom and we lined up around the perimeter of the dance floor, where the D.J. played the Aggie War Hymn and we all sawed Varsity's horns off!
Then David led us in a series of yells just like the ones that rock a stadium full of 85,000 fans.
See, Aggie yells aren't the same as what you see in any other school. There are hand signals which the Yell Leaders use to alert the crowd which yell is coming up. At "Fish Camp," which they attend the summer before they start A&M, everybody learns the yells. That way, the entire crowd yells in unison.
He'd give the hand signal, and true to Aggie tradition, we'd pass the hand signal down the row, then he'd lead the yell.
We about blew the roof off that lodge, and Janna's family could not have been better sports. They all came up later and said they'd enjoyed it. The young Aggies said they'd never been to a wedding with a Yell Practice before--I sense yet another tradition being born.
It was one of the most joyful moments in my life, and you can bet that Janna is family now to the Aggies in that room!
Finally, at the end of the evening, my beat-up ole bod gave out on me.
I found a quiet rocking chair on the big porch overlooking the chapel, which was still lit from within by candles placed by Janna's Wondermom. Little white lights lined the pathways through the grass, and the trees were dark against the star-spangled sky.
Behind me, I could hear laughing and shouting as everybody pitched in to clean up and leave the lodge as they'd found it. Most of the children in the wedding party had long since run back to their cabins and changed into jeans and T-shirts, and they darted in and out over the grass, giggling and playing.
Dustin and Janna stood arm-in-arm amidst a gaggle of friends, looking happier than I'd ever seen either of them. She had danced every single dance that entire night, but had also made time to stop at every table, visit a while, and thank everyone for coming. Dustin had enjoyed seeing aunts and uncles he rarely gets to see, and had sat at the old Aggie's table for a while, visiting. Now they were relaxed, rehashing the days events with smiles and laughter. Marriage comes cheap these days. You can get a license in Vegas from a vending machine and say your vows at a drive-through window. Divorce can be done online for the most part. I know many cynical parents of young adults who've lived through their kids' divorces and so see no joy in a simple little exchange of vows beneath the trees.
But they don't know this couple, and how they've been tested by fire and came out welded stronger in the broken places. Sitting under the stars on a soft springtime Texas night, listening to the sounds of joy all around me, knowing that my beloved son has been to hell and back, but now, at this moment, his heart is filled with every good thing you ever wish for your children...is a moment that defies my descriptive abilities.
Gazing at the shining face of his bride, knowing what a love she will be in our family...you can't put that stuff into words.
All you can do is look up at the stars and whisper, "Thank you."
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